my paragraph spacing seems a little tight in these entries
i think if i can consistently lock in i can probably do 2-3 days per chapter of sears & zemansky exercises and then either go for k&k or circuits YAY circuits. i don’t want to do chem at all but from what i’ve seen it’s not THAT limiting as long as you know some basic quantum stuff, at least for a first circuit analysis course (?). not sure but i am sure i don’t want to do chem. ;-;
i was brute forcing k&k but with literally no intuition for physics (forgot everything from hs thank you sleep deprivation and depression) it was not going well. so instead of egoing it i switched to to sears & zemansky which has been going much more smoothly and i think will give me enough of a foundation to work at a more reasonable pace through k&k. i kind of like working on just one or two subjects at a time instead of like 4-8 at typical quarter or semester schools; it enables more immersion, which i prefer over being spread out and barely scratching the surface of every subject.
i might have gotten myself into a predicament with the “small ensemble program” with the orchestra… i completely thought they were going to have chamber music dates set up at their usual hall and have groups audition to put on the program but from what i’ve heard from other members they kind of just approve dates/venues/repertoire and pay you?? and you have to contact all the venues and prepare everything without help… and the “venues” are just public libraries, hospitals, nursing homes, etc… this is so unconventional and i guess it’s the downside of living in a less populated, less technologically updated, and uhh… less… prosperous area.
but the issue is that i kind of already brought a group together before being told that, and still haven’t gotten a response back from the director since i sent an email with many questions about a week ago now. furthermore, it certainly baffles but also almost saddens me to hear these people play at this level--especially knowing that many of them have degrees and decades in music but still would be left in the dust by pre-college middle schoolers.
so i don’t know if i might have to make a drastic excuse and just pull out before we start arranging or spending too much time on anything. i’m not even sure if i want to continue playing with the orchestra because the time needed for commute plus the level of playing just might not be worth it. i came here initially looking desperately for chamber music groups thinking there’d be at least a few decent younger players with time to spare but those dreams might be better off left to dissolve… i mean i am in a pretty weird and uncommon position myself so it’s not that weird that i couldn’t find any.
there was a more regional chamber orchestra but they sound even worse--like elementary school band level bad--and they want you to pay to be in it. this is all jarring coming from a much more populated and competitive area tbh. this “real” orchestra is just so far and i’d initially been on the fence about joining at all due to commute but after participating in one concert with them i am really considering dropping it. they are super desperate for people and have to fly people in to have enough players to fill out the sections so i feel bad for leaving but i just don’t think i can justify the time commitment.
also, all the players seem to just be there to collect a paycheck, which is such a fucking muting and discouraging environment to be in. take me back to music camp please where literally everyone is down to sightread some random quartet at performance tempo at 10pm. :( ship has sailed though maybe… maybe i just need to move on… until i go back to college…
i fucking hate how indecisive and wobbly i am in these social situations; i hate that i can nail a decision and cast it in concrete one minute but as soon as someone else pushes back the concrete turns into clay; i hate myself for this but my natural response is so harsh and i haven’t figured out a way to like be nice and straightforward at the same time. like i know all the things i can’t do and i know that all the things i would want to do are things i can’t do but i don’t know what i should do.
i stopped going to the worse of the two groups and they need people so badly that they kind of begged me to go back, and i feel like if i quit the other one they’re going to email me too; but i'm so pussy that i just told the first group i haven’t decided yet if i’d be in town or not for the concert instead of just telling them that i wouldn’t be going back.
like i just feel so LOST in these situations. honest response: you guys sound like shit and you know it and it’s a waste of my time and i don’t even think you (director) even want to be there. but then, is this what burning bridges means: if i just directly tell them i won’t be going back? they will probably hold a grudge if i don’t, and i’d never be able to receive any help from them. but even if i do go to fill a chair, they still could decide not to respond if i ever needed help in the future. this is not even about this situation specifically because i actually don’t think i’d ever need help from them, but like i can imagine all the situations in the future when i actually would benefit from maintaining connections where i just won’t be able to make the right decisions.
i also have NO ONE to talk to about this shit because my father just does not care, my mother is clueless, my brother also wouldn’t know what to do, and i don’t know how to connect with or trust anyone who has not shown they have a personally-motivated obligation to listen to what i have to say. and i’m not naive enough to think that this kind of time commitment to helping someone you don’t know very well is ever not transactional.
i mean life would be great if i could just not care and say whatever i want, but i, unlike my father, neither have established myself with thirty years of experience and referrals nor possess a unique and in-demand skillset that renders my personality a relatively overlooked aspect of my being. it is true though that if my stats are low in my least favorite skillset, i don’t need to become a well-rounded player; i can just crutch on a spike, which is what i am planning to do for now. i’m genuinely a bit regraded when it comes to social shit. call it mindblock or whatever but that’s the state of things right now and this is how i’ll adapt.
it’ll be fine… not fine. never fine. fine.
um… i also missed a message from a dental assistant pt job which looks like a genuine good fit and is super near my house… they wanted to schedule me for an interview but it was next day (sent yesterday; didn’t see until afternoon today) so we’ll see if i get a response again. if not i’ll probably go in and ask about it. one day notice with message at 7pm expecting a show the next morning at 10am is kind of insane though. it was through the indeed messaging portal too…
in other news i spent a productive day at the library on physics. it was super empty today which was a godsend. i want to do this every day.
it’s my dog’s birthday tomorrow! i wish i could go back and see him. i miss smelling his frito feet and playing tug of war with him when i'm just trying to pull the covers over myself and go to sleep.
my phone’s battery health is going to shit and i was considering getting a new one… but apparently the oneplus 13 has one of the best battery lives on the market right now and my father has a few extra onepluses so i might just use that. i wanted to get a jelly star for a while but it might not be worth it given battery life issues and because i might need to carry an extra device anyway for like maps and other conveniences… i miss my old slide out phone with a full qwerty keyboard lol.
last weekend i set up the annual calibration stuff for the hospital’s elekta linac machine. again, the area is underfunded, so the machines, software, generic office electronics, and even the administrative system are all super outdated. my father worked with the philips engineer for a whole day before deciding he was no help and sent him on his way. his schedule is so sparse and he’s paid quite decently, especially given that 1) the area is not very populated and many cannot afford late-stage care 2) there’s a second radiation oncology/therapy clinic that is probably a bit more updated in a nearby area. he used to train and contract out the work under his inc but since relocating he’s just been taking extra remote jobs illegally; because there’s so much extra time. rural healthcare might be the move… his tolerance for people is a thousand times higher than mine, at least on the surface. once i feel uncomfortable somewhere it takes no time for people to notice.
i should add a “what’s in my backpack” entry, or a new page to hold that and similar whimsical things that aren’t exactly journal entries.
i’ve been awake too long again…
charging my headphones for another full day at another library.
honk mimimi
~
signing off,
six
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last updated: 2025-10-19T00:11:33.862Z