wondrous shin ramyun spice-neutralized a little w milk, lactose-free of course, and low fat mozz with the sauce made with roux base (flour and olive oil because i don’t use butter much so don’t buy it) and some prepped chicken thighs (cilantro, onion, corn, 0% greek yogurt, feta, lime juice, bunch of seasoning that combine to make something taco-y, olive oil). my algorithms kept feeding me carbonara buldak asmr videos so i had to make my version. i am so excited to breathe fire out of my anus tomorrow. i still have considerably-sized bunches of cilantro and parsley for which i want to find uses. i actually haven’t tried any of the farm chicken eggs but he doesn’t feed them anything nutritious so idek if they’d be that much better aside from not being from hormone-crippled hens. i guess that’s a pretty big difference. what i really want to try is eggs from the wild chickens but he won’t build a coop so that’s probably not happening.
i did chapter 4 today but couldn’t focus to continue grinding with chapter 5 so i went for a walk and got 10k steps in. exercise is so good for mental. the plan WAS to go get a donut after but i didn’t even feel like it by then, which is good. icl i completely indulged myself by listening to the beginning of mahler 4 for around 10 minutes and then switching to mahler 9 last mvmt which i played twice, taking up about one hour, after which i noticed i had hit 10k. i actually wonder how many times i could play the entirety of mahler 9 while walking or not walking before i would become very aware of the fact that i am replaying it; whenever i listen to 9 and 10 i forget i exist. i definitely don’t want to wear it out, but the thing about classical and symphonies especially is that the tune is just the surface of what you can enjoy and there are constantly new ways to come up with to interpret or listen or analyze. there are such plentiful musical decisions and there’s something so fulfilling about noticing how different orchestras and conductors do a certain part of a piece and realizing how hearing bernstein’s 9 changes how you hear abbado’s and haitink’s when you go back to them and vice versa etc… and then there’s listening with a score, which makes it very easy for one to be having breakfast one minute and strangely soon hear crickets chirping.
ok on the car i switched to brainrot modern cyber core adjacent dnb and was forced to think about me having the very common confusion between desire for a parent and desire for a partner… i mean i don’t think i do or ever will desire a partner as much as i do a parent, but since i'm incapable of becoming a child i can only look for crumbs of it in non-parents. usually i can push things down and they either get milder or become subconscious processes but this one is fucking stubborn. it’s all blurred… amorphous, massless, and unpredictable… and obnoxious… i was thinking this—like i get almost willingly confused about the two, potentially adding the latter to introduce a balance to regain perceived loss of power or control when i’m slapped red in the face and caught off guard by getting a taste of the former—and then i thought: when someone seems to fill the missing-parents-hole i just want them to fill both holes, but not like that… but also… yes… that was kind of funny. sigh. i don’t think really that even having a six month relationship that does somehow impossibly fill both holes… FIGURATIVE… figurative… would fix anything. realistically that is an impossibility that exists in movies precisely because it is impossible. i haven’t watched any but i have a pretty good idea about that trope from when i had tiktok…
but like i’m neither losing my mind rn nor was i then; and i think i can attribute that to having spent some time outside and walking.
haven’t worked at all on the site for the last few days iirc.
gotta bounce like nicki’s bubble butt in the anaconda mv.
you know what they say… always keep an eye out for selener or you may never wake up because i, selener, will find you when you’re asleep or something like that so don’t close your eyes…
anyway, sleep well…
~
signing off,
six
created:
last updated: 2025-10-23T08:51:10.659Z