been a while!
was thinking today… i think the corporate fakeness is really not something i can handle in a job. but working in a super slow or artsy group would also not work because i am a naturally somewhat competitive person that somehow dislikes both my ambitious and complacent sides. i still despite a decently increased amount of exposure am very puzzled on how i am to fit in any sort of work or non-work related group. i really don’t like the idea of entering a male-dominated and pretentious-people-attracting field where i constantly have to fight for a disproportionately small and probably substandard slice of pie.
also made more concrete my issue with making progress mentally in life in general. i kind of always want to troubleshoot in the way you can a closed and perfect system, where the optimal solution comes from finding the root cause for the problem. unfortunately pinpointing the root cause for problems in life practically is often impossible, let alone finding a good solution to an identified root cause.
i kind of also realized that i’ve basically wasted a shit ton of time running from myself, being a total cliche changing what i do and moving around and traveling a lot chasing the novelty to avoid having to face the fact that i'm basically just trying to run from my shadow and intentionally not looking at it so i can pretend i’ve left it behind. i’m not impressed with who i am and i both resent and pity my current and younger self for the various internalized identity-phobias i picked up in my insecure teen years.
i think i want to just calm the fuck down and try to accept who i am for now enough to be able to look at myself and figure out what the fuck i’ve been trying to run away from or what the fuck i actually look like because i do not fucking know.
like even here i’d have the urge to deflect by saying that i’ve made a lot of run-on sentences or something retarded like that and change the subject.
i don’t even want to say it’s me getting back in touch with femininity because it has nothing to do with gender or whatever the fuck else terms there are for it; it’s just who i personally think i want to be.
i unironically do think much of my more toxic mentality comes from valorant. better to come across it then in a dorm room than in person at work for some shady ass investment bank or pe firm though. dodged that bullet dropping out i guess.
anyway i’ve also actively avoided developing a personal identity due to believing a claim to any identity to be unsafe—both because i am a minority in many ways and because to have one means it can be uprooted, which is unsafe to my sense of self, so i might as well base my identity off not having a solid one (preferring no labels but if absolutely necessary internally labeling myself as agender/nonbinary, aroace/pan, not identifying with any culture). i’m gay as fuck. i also think i’m bordering old as fuck and can’t imagine ever coming out, though that probably won’t really be a pertinent issue because i highkey don’t know how to interact with anyone let alone someone i like. and i have actual issues and don’t find anyone my age attractive lmfao.
anyway i’ve started c++ primer on a few days break from s&z and it’s so much more fun. LOADS more fun. a lot is familiar but there are also many details i’ve learned about the language specifically that are left out in courses that only use c++ as a medium to teach basic programming principles. i don’t even want to do s&z anymore but i need to grind through it now if i don’t want to trudge through it and collect lots of holes in knowledge in a lecture-based class.
have had quite a few ideas for apps lately but can’t code in swift or draw very well. something to think about.
i’m sleepy.
~
signing off,
six
created: 2025-11-10T05:43:54.664Z
last updated: 2025-11-10T06:16:05.564Z